


Keep My World Turning

by taeminsfairywaist



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 Route Spoilers, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Female MC - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, POV Third Person Limited, Slow Build, Slow Burn, not that much saeran but oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:33:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminsfairywaist/pseuds/taeminsfairywaist
Summary: The world wasn’t fair. It never had been, she knew this.But somewhere deep in her heart, she wanted to believe it could be. Maybe, with a simple act, she could shift the balance, and make the world hurt her this time, instead.She moved; a gunshot, two bodies toppling to the floor, and a chorus of people yelling her name.She didn’t feel it at first; she pushed herself off the ground, V beneath her and seemingly unhurt, thank god. His eyes, dull and sightless, frantically shifting as he called her name with fear cracking his voice, “Mc? Mc, oh god… are you hurt?”Yes…yes she was, but it was okay.Because he was okay.





	1. Starched Sheets

The world wasn’t fair. It never had been, she knew this.

 

But somewhere deep in her heart, she wanted to believe it could be. Maybe, with a simple act, she could shift the balance, and make the world hurt her this time, instead.

 

She moved; a gunshot, two bodies toppling to the floor, and a chorus of people yelling her name.

 

She didn’t feel it at first; she pushed  herself  off the ground, V beneath her and seemingly unhurt, thank god. His eyes, dull and sightless, frantically shifting as he called her name with fear cracking his voice, “Mc? Mc, oh god… are you hurt?”

 

Yes…yes she was, but it was okay.

 

“You’re alive…you’re..” A sudden wave of dizziness washed over her, and suddenly, she felt the pain in  her  side. A strangled scream fought its way up her throat; it burned, oh god it burned so bad, it was white hot and throbbing. Hot tears ran from her eyes as she fell to the side, both her hands pressing down hard on the single wound, blood pouring from between her fingers as she screamed and clenched  her  teeth.

 

She couldn’t hear much; yelling blended together and her vision swam. Nothing mattered except the pain from her abdomen, and the taste of metal in her mouth as blood leaked from her lips. She saw a flash of color, sky blue, before  her  vision went blindingly white.

 

It’s okay. V’s alive. He’s breathing, he’s okay…he’s alive…

 

That mantra kept her somewhat awake in the haze she floated in. He was okay, he was alive, she had saved him. It didn’t matter what happened to her; it only mattered that no one else was injured. Every once in awhile, she slipped in and out of consciousness, waking up in an ambulance, then a hospital operating room, then in a bed, with only the quiet beeping of the heart monitor filling the silence.  Her  mind was dulled by what she could only imagine to be incredible amounts of morphine, stuffed with wet cotton that turned  her  eyelids to lead. She passed out again.

~~

He didn’t know how it happened. All he knew is that there was a gunshot, and he was on the ground, something (someone?) heavy on top of him and something wet soaking through his shirt. He blinked, hearing wet breathing and hair on his neck. Mc…? Why was she….

 

His eyes widened

 

_ No, god, no no no _

 

“Mc? Mc, oh god…are you hurt?”

 

_ Are you shot? _

 

_ No _

_ No _

 

Then, she screamed(he didn’t think he could ever forget that sound), rolling off of him and onto the ground, sobbing, yelling, bleeding. He shouted her name again, cursing his eyesight as he tried to piece together what happened. Had she been shot? No, no she couldn’t have…is that why she pushed him so hard? His shirt…his hands felt for the large wet spot that had been growing when she had laid on him; warm, wet, and smelling distinctly of blood, but with no wound of his own.

 

She had taken the bullet. For him.

 

Everything else happened in a blur; the door burst open, V heard Jumin’s voice, and the voice of what could only be body guards, and more bullets. He groped around wildly until his hand landed on her wrist, fingers curling around it tightly so that he could feel the faint pulse under her skin. She was still alive, but for how long?

 

“Help..!” he rasped, pushing himself onto his knees, “Someone help her!”

 

Then, the warmth of her hand was pulled away, and he was left alone in the sea of yelling and noise, vision completely black as he knotted his hands into that spot in his shirt, undoubtedly stained that deep red. Hands grabbed him, pulled him along gently by his hands, his arms, his shoulders, telling him everything would end okay. No one was going to die today.

 

Jumin? Yes, yes, it was V’s friend…

 

“You have to help her-”

 

“We’re going to get her to the best hospital in the country. She’ll live.” Jumin stated firmly, but V could hear the slight wobble in his voice. Did he believe his words? What did she look like, for him to sound so worried?

 

“Jumin…” V swallowed hard, feeling hot tears overflowing down his cheeks, “What happened to her?”

 

“She was shot-”

 

“I know, but what happened?” His voice rose slightly; he bit down on his lip.

 

_ You’re in no position to get angry. _

 

“…Saeran would have shot you, but she pushed you out of the way. She got hit in her stomach.”

 

_ I knew it. It was my fault, that bullet was meant for me, I deserved to get hurt, not her _

 

“She will live.”

 

And if she didn’t, V wasn’t sure if he could handle that. Another life lost, this time fully, to his hands. He couldn’t even save Rika.

 

Guided into a car, he could do nothing but stare, wide eyed and stained with both blood and tears, as he was driven alongside the sound of ambulance sirens.

~~

She was roused from sleep once again with the sound of voices, familiar ones, and one that she didn’t recognize.

 

“One visitor at a time, please. She is still very weak”

 

“V should go”

 

“What? No, I shouldn’t-”

 

“Just go”

 

She rubbed at  her  eyes, hissing as her side throbbed. Slowly, her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room. A hospital room, but she already knew that. There were bright flowers decorating the small nightstand next to her bed, and an IV bag connected to the inside of  her  elbow; V stood at the far end of the room, at the door with the doctor standing next to him. He looked…scared. His eyes, those pretty, sky blue eyes were wide and red rimmed, his fingers were curled into tight fists by his sides, and his mouth hung slightly open.

 

She tried to speak, but she found that her voice didn’t work as well as she hoped.

 

“V…?” She tried again, but her voice was raspy and rough; she winced at how terrible it sounded.

 

He visibly jumped, as if he was shocked she was still alive.

 

She couldn’t help but smile, “Thank goodness…you’re okay.”

 

“M-me?” He stuttered, taking slow, cautious steps towards her bedside, “Why are you worrying about my well being?”

 

_ He has such a pretty voice… _

 

“Mhm..I’m happy I actually saved you,” She adjusted to sit up, yelping as a white hot stab of pain flared. “I didn’t think I would succeed”

 

“Mc…” he whispered, his voice breaking, “You…you were never meant to get hurt-”

 

“If I didn’t, you would have died. It doesn’t matter if I’m hurt, it matters that we’re both alive, doesn’t it?” She did  her  best to keep her voice from showing the pain. The morphine must have been wearing off.

 

V stayed silent, staring at his feet with his hands balled up in fists; his chest was heaving.

 

“It’ll be okay; I’ll heal, and then everything will be normal again,” She turned to him, reaching out to grab his hand; he jumped, “How are you eyes?”

 

His fingers coiled around her wrist, and he sat down on a chair that must have been left by a previous visitor, “Please, don’t worry about me. How are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

 

She shook her head, before remembering, “No, I’m okay. I think the pain killers are wearing off a bit, though.”

~~

He tried to focus on her pulse as best as he could; the constant, small thump against his index finger and the warmth of her skin against his. He just had to remember, she was alive, she was alright, he hadn’t…he hadn’t killed her. But how could she talk so positively? How could she ask about his well being? About his sight? His head hurt from all the crying; he normally wasn’t this emotional. When did everything start affecting him this much?

 

“V…?” Her voice rang out again. What had she been saying?

 

“Yes? I’m sorry”

 

“It’s okay. I wanted to ask about your sight, you never answered me before.” He could hear the smile in her voice; he ducked his head. Now was no time to admire what a nice voice she had, he had no right to just sit and listen. He didn’t deserve it, not now.

 

“I can’t see a thing.”

 

Her hand tightened around his, he bowed his head further.

 

“I-isn’t it still treatable?”

 

Why did she sound so scared?

 

She didn’t need to be scared for him. He deserved this, even more now that he heard the hisses of pain and curses that slipped past her lips every time she shifted. Being blinded…wasn’t enough of a punishment.

 

“I believe so, but-”

 

“You should get treatment, then.” There was a sudden steadiness in her words.

 

“I-”

 

“No, V, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.” He heard her move again, and two hands were wrapped around his one; a moment of panic constricted his lungs as the feeling of her heart beat was gone, “You…you can’t do what you love without your sight. Regardless of everything that has happened so far…I want you to know that the world is going to keep turning, okay? I’ll heal, Saeran will heal, everything will get better with time, except for your eyes. And…y-you deserve more than you think, okay?”

 

Her words were firm, filled with emotion and determination that he had heard only a few times before, when she was back in that horrid castle in the mountains. At her last statement, though, her voice had begun to shake.

 

“You didn’t….none of this happened because of you, alright? You did your damnedest to prevent it from happening, to prevent everyone from knowing and getting hurt, but sometimes, things go out of our control. And that’s okay. No one will ever go through life with full control of its events; all we can do is sit and know there are points that are completely in our hands. Saving you was one of those moments for me, and I would never go back and change it, even if getting shot hurts like  _ hell _ .” She laughed a bit, he smiled softly.

 

“You…have quite a way with words, you know that?” he murmured, distinctly aware of the warmth of her hands around his. He could stay like this, if only for a while longer…

 

“V?” She asked quietly, “If it’s not too much to ask, could you please get treatment for your eyes? Or…just consider it, for me?”

 

The sound of the door opening nearly interrupted  her  sentence, “I’ll think about it.” he answered, before the doctor kindly told him visiting hours were over.

 

“Visit again, won’t you? And tell the others to come, if they want.”

 

“I will, get better soon, Mc.”


	2. Chapter 2

Getting shot was a pain in the ass. She couldn’t sit up without  her  injury yelling at her, and her bandages needed such frequent changing.

But she couldn’t help but feel a little spoiled with all the attention she was getting; it was heartwarming to actually see in person how they all cared for her, in their own ways (Jaehee brought Zen’s CD’s, Zen showed off his script to her, Yoosung acted like his sunshine-y self, Sev- no, Saeyoung, joked as always, Jumin remained calm as ever.). Everyone visited so often, and talked for as long as they could, telling her about everything going on, or just bringing her small gifts to entertain herself with while she was recovering.

Out of everyone, V visited the most.

Most of the time, he worried over her constantly, asking what he could do, and if she was in any type of pain. Whenever he visited, she always made sure that he knew she was alright.

He often brought books, ones she had told him she liked, or ones that she had meant to read, before all this happened; when she was a normal adult bumbling around in this crazy world. She always made sure to read them out loud, in case he might enjoy them too. She also found that she very much enjoyed it when he held her hand.

She wasn’t sure if he did it on purpose, or not, but when he visited, he would always end up holding on to her hand. Sometimes, he would rub circles into her palm with his thumb, leaning his head on the side of the bed as she read aloud, eyes closed and face calm. She was glad that at least now, he wasn’t blaming himself as much. She had made it a point to remind him that none of this was his fault every time  they  met.

 

Incredible news reached her when she was a few days away from being discharged, given by Jumin.

“V told me he was going to seek treatment for his eyes”

She sat up quickly, cussing as a sharp stab of pain ran through her side; she didn’t care. “When?!”

“It’s scheduled for next week,” Jumin’s face was concerned for her for a quick moment, before he continued on, “What did you say to persuade him?”

“I…I didn’t, I don’t think? I just asked him to think about it, was all.”

Oh god, was he doing it out of pity for her injury? Or guilt? Well…she couldn’t exactly feel bad, it was good he was getting the surgery but…she wanted him to do it because  _ he  _ wanted to.

Mc and Jumin chatted for a few minutes more, before he was forced to return to work for a meeting. Her hospital room had begun getting emptier more often; she didn’t mind. Being around so many people had given her a sort of mental whiplash, always talking, always thinking about what to say next, always thinking of how to act around all the different personalities. Being alone was good, for now. She read more, although, she always kept that one book her and V were reading bookmarked and closed until he decided to visit again.

The books he had brought were ones she had been dying to read; old series from her childhood, or new ones her friends from college had recommended long ago that she had meant to read. The books were as fantastic as they had said, she blasted through four books in just a few days; sometimes, she wished she could reconnect with those old friends just to thank them for such wonderful recommendations.

And, while alone in that hospital room, she had time to think. To lose herself in her head, eyes staring unfocused at the white painted walls as  she  ran over the events of the past few days over and over again, just to figure out the exact events, and how in the world she ended up here.

Learning that Rika had been alive all along, that Saeran was brainwashed by her, that they were a part of a cult dead set on saving the world from… _everything_. Seven passing out on the ground from his bleeding arm, Saeran’s breakdown as he wildly swung a gun around before setting its sights on V.

The moment where she realized that she had a choice to make, and she made the one that seemed best.

She took a bullet, and nearly died, but she didn’t care, as long as V was still alive. Why had she decided to take the bullet for him?

Maybe because she knew he meant something to the people of the RFA. He saved Zen’s life, he was Jumin’s best friend, he had been a father figure to Seven; compared to him, she was less important. Maybe they would be saddened if she died, but at least they still didn’t know her as well as they knew V.

She was glad  she  was shot instead of him.

The next couple of weeks passed by in a blur; many decisions were made in regards to where she would stay, and who would watch over her while she recovered further away from the hospital. In the end, it was decided she would stay with V.

For one, his house didn’t have a bomb. Zen and Yoosung were crossed off the list immediately; Zen was…Zen, and was too paranoid about having a girl at his place alone with him, and Yoosung’s apartment was too tiny even for him, let alone another person. It was a similar story for Jaehee, and Jumin wouldn’t have the time to properly watch over her.

So it was decided V’s house was the best, one because it had room for two people, and two, they both could take care of each other until V’s surgery happened.

When she first stepped into the place, she couldn’t help but admire it. It was basically her dream house as a child; a modern aesthetic, with pictures  she  could only assume were taken by V adorning the walls to match the color scheme of the room. Even if it was fairly minimalist, she could feel a certain warmth to it. It felt like people actually lived here, had memories here, had the  _chance_ to make memories here. 

It felt like a home.

~~~

Having her in his house was definitely…strange. It wasn’t bad, it was just that he hadn’t woken up to the sounds of someone cooking breakfast in a comically long time. Living with her, even for a short period of time, proved to be both very, very nice and also extremely nerve-wracking. He worried constant over every small hiss of pain, every time he heard her cuss, or just tell him, “It just hurts real fuckin’ bad sometimes” through clenched teeth.

He also began to finally learn about the RFA’s newest member, probably more so than the other members.

He learned that she hummed when she cooked, and when she realized he had heard, she stopped immediately and acted as if she hadn’t started singing along to a certain American pop song. The house had always been quiet in the morning when Rika was there; though still quiet, the soft sounds of knowing someone else lived there was comforting. He also learned she tended to have quite colorful language when she got hurt, and sometimes, it was really hard for him to hold back his laughter when he heard the tell tale sound of a foot ramming into a desk corner, then a loud, pronounced, “FUCK”

He found that talking to her was easier than talking to Jumin, sometimes. There was something in her voice; a tone laced in with her quiet hums of agreement that seemed to say, “I understand”. It was a strange thing to hear. It was something...warm, it gave V a feeling of true belonging by her side, with his hand in hers, and her head laying on his shoulder as she murmured comforting words.

When he had days where he couldn’t help but wonder why everyone was so supportive of him, she listened quietly as he ranted with tears building in his eyes, her hand around his so that he knew she was listening, that she was there. And she always knew what to say. How did she always know?

When he cried because she didn’t deserve to get shot, he was the one who it was meant for, she told him that no, in that moment, anything could have happened, and she chose to act rather than let it come to the worst. That she would have done it again, if it meant everyone would still live.

And he learned that her laugh was probably the most wonderful sound he’d ever heard. The first time he heard it was in the morning when he stumbled into the kitchen, freshly rolled out of bed; she tried so hard to hide her laugh, “V…you have terrible bedhead” From there, she fell into a fit of giggles, and he couldn’t help but smile, too. Then, he felt her hands petting down the mess that was his hair.

Before he knew it, he was accustomed to waking up to her quiet singing in the kitchen. To him, it was the firm alarm that had ever brought a smile to his face upon waking him. Sometimes he would find himself laying in bed just a little longer just so that her lovely voice wouldn’t stop; when he stepped into the kitchen, she would always jump and laugh nervously, “O-oh! I didn’t see you there, ha, j-just um…”

She would stumble over her thoughts that seemed to have failed to translate into words. He could never fight the smile that followed.

For the millionth time, he wondered what she looked like. Was she shorter than him? She seemed to curse her height a lot. Was her hair long? Short? Or maybe, somewhere in the middle? How did she style it? What color were her eyes? Did her cheeks turn bright pink when he complimented her? She seemed to stutter so much with even the slightest praise…the surgery couldn’t come quick enough. He wanted to see her smile, to finally see if she looked as warm as her words felt.

_ Ah…I have feelings for her, don’t I? _

The thought startled him, to say the least. Following that one, sudden realization was what could only be described as a tidal wave of regret and self loathing. Who was he, falling for a girl who was injured because of him? What right did he have to indulge himself in these discoveries of her? How dare he; loving Rika one second, giving up his sight for her, only to fall for another girl who simply showed him kindness.

But somewhere inside of him, he wanted to believe that her kindness came from somewhere... _ deeper _ . He wanted to believe that she didn’t speak sympathetic words to him, rather, empathetic ones, when he described what his past relationship had been like. 

The turmoil, the yelling, the guilt he harbored for not helping Rika. If he had just listened, or done better in regards to handling her emotions, would this have ever happened?

But then MC would hold on to his hand, holding it firmly but gently, her words soft as she told him, “I know it’s hard to look back and not wonder how you could have fixed it. You just have to remember that sometimes, those people had problems that we could never see. Even if we wanted to fix this future, it was something they created themselves. It isn’t your fault that this happened, V, Rika did this to herself, and Rika did this to everyone else, not you.”

When the day of the surgery came, she seemed more worried than him; he could hear her leg bouncing, and the floor shook slightly from it.

“Calm down,” he laughed softly. “Who’s getting operated on again?”

He could hear her fingernail drumming on the table; he wanted so badly to reach out and grab it, just to calm her nerves, even a little bit.

“I’m just worried…”

When he was called back to the operating room, her hand caught his shirt as he stood, “V…!”

Her arms wrapped around him tightly, and he was suddenly enveloped with the smell of vanilla; he smiled,  _ She  _ **_is_ ** _ shorter than me _ . Her head only reached to his chest,  _ How cute _ .

“Good luck” she whispered, and then, her presence was gone. He hoped desperately that she couldn’t hear his heart pounding beneath his shirt.

The surgery passed by without a hitch, and even though it had only been a matter of hours, he desperately wanted to just rip the bandages covering his eyes off. In the small room, he sat on the observation table, listening to the conversation between Mc and the doctor; as soon as he had woken, he couldn’t help but pick out her voice from the haze of the slowly fading anesthetics.

“It went well?” Her voice was shaking and twinged with worry; he wanted to go over and hug her again.

“Yes, it went very smoothly, miss.”

“Ah…thank god…”

He was getting more impatient. He wanted to see her already, to put an image with the voice that pulled him out of so many bad moments. He wanted to see the person who saved his life.

“You will need to keep your eyes covered for a few days to allow your eyes time to heal. For that amount of time you’ll be in the hospital” The doctor noted.

V felt frustration building in his chest, “How many days is a few days?”

“I’d say two or three days. Visitors will be allowed, though.” V could hear him scratching something down on a clip board before he spoke again, “Miss MC? I will need you to sign a few things. I’ll go fetch them now.”

“Alright, I’ll be right here, thank you.” Her voice was breathless, now, like all the nervous energy had worn away and she was left exhausted. He felt a moment of guilt, before shaking it off.

Her quiet footsteps approached, and her hand softly landed on his shoulder. He flashed a smile in her general direction,  _ it probably looks strange without my eyes being visible. _

“How are you feeling?” She asked, a small tremor in her hand that had tightened its grip on his arm. Unconsciously, he placed his own over it, giving her another reassuring smile.

“I’m okay, MC. Even  _ if _ I’m a bit annoyed that I have to wait.”

The soft laugh that followed made his heart swell with warmth.

“I guess you’ll have to bear with me reading to you for a few more days”

“Actually, I don’t think waiting would be  _ too _ bad”

A light smack on his shoulder, giggle, and a doctor returning to the room to ruin the moment. 

Oh well.


	3. Chapter 3

“Keep your eyes closed while I unwrap the bandages to allow them to slowly get used to the light” The doctor directed, his hands already working to untie the annoying wrappings around V’s head.

“Alright”

He could feel excitement bubbling in his chest, and it was incredibly hard not to smile like an overjoyed idiot as the world around him grew lighter. It was such a welcome feeling to finally see sunlight again, even if it was muted by his closed eyelids.

“Alright, you can open them now.”

The world around him was fuzzy; all he could see was smudged splotches of color on the white background of hospital walls, but even that was enough to make his eyes prick with happy tears. He had started to forget what color had even looked like.

Blinking rapidly, the world grew clearer and clearer, slowly, until his eyes landed on  _ her. _

She’s… he felt his neck grow hot, She’s gorgeous

She was tiny, probably only 5'1, with worry ingrained deep in her honey golden eyes, and her lips curled into a frown as she scanned over him. He flashed her a smile; her expression changed, a grin lighting up her entire face. With her hands pressed together, hovering over her lips, she nearly jumped for joy. He felt him chest tighten, She’s way too cute

The doctor had been speaking the entire time, but his voice was static in V’s ears. He could only focus on her; the long, brown hair falling over her shoulders in loose curls, the freckles that were brushed across her cheeks and nose, and… _ Oh, my god _ , the sweater she was wearing that was most obviously his. There was no doubt that his face had grown red. It was something that was probably buried in the closet in her temporary room, a plain black sweater that was many sizes too large for her small frame, seeing as it nearly reached down to her knees and just barely hugged her shoulders.

He averted his eyes back to the doctor, who had just seemed to finish talking, “I’m going to get some papers for you to sign, please wait just a moment”

“O-of course,” he stuttered, his eyes landing immediately back on her. The moment the door closed behind the doctor, she rushed to his side, that wide smile still on her face.

“How is it? How do you feel? Any pain? Maybe you should-”

“I’m perfectly fine, Mc,” he paused, smiling fondly. “I’m glad you were the first person I saw”

Within moments, her cheeks were dusted with pink.

He rubbed his hand over his face, knowing that he definitely matched, now. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“M-mhm” She paused, fists curling around the hem of her shirt, “I-I’m glad, too”

With that, every feeling developed from the moment she woke up in a hospital bed a week ago, was cemented deep in his heart.

How was he supposed to hide it, now that he could see her so clearly?

~~

Her grip on the steering wheel was so tight, the tips of her fingers had begun to tingle with numbness. Her face was probably red…god. How could he say something so fond? She wasn’t sure if her heart would ever calm down after that. She had been so worried about so many things while she had waited for him; what if something happened? What if he was blinded forever? What if he hated her because of it? When she pulled up to his apartment complex, the thought hit her.

_ I don’t need to live with him anymore. He won’t need me now. _

That thought weighed heavily on her shoulders. She hoped he couldn’t tell; he might take it the wrong way. But still, she was scared, she was so afraid of every possibility that hadn’t been accounted for when she first set foot in the hospital waiting room.

What if he was disappointed in how she looked? There was no doubt he imagined what she looked like, what if he was upset that she didn’t meet up to that image? He had been looking at her the whole time, she could feel his eyes on her, and she didn’t have the courage to meet his gaze. From the walk up the stairs to the apartment, she was laser focused on her feet, and when she stepped inside, she shot him a quick smile and sat herself on the couch. 

She stared absent-mindedly on the TV, picking at the hem of her sweat shirt as those thoughts ran through her head, again, and again, and again, over and over…

She would have to find somewhere new to stay, and move all of her things-

“..c?…MC…? Are you alright?” She jumped, her head whipping into the direction of the voice, her eyes meeting with V’s. She quickly averted her gaze; eye contact was something she had never been good with; when he had been blind, it had been no problem, but  _ now _ she was hyper aware of how he could actually see her, “Oh, yes…sorry”

He smiled softly at her, she cursed him mentally,  _ Stop being so damn cute already _

Oh, god, he could see her blushing now, couldn’t he?

“You don’t need to worry anymore,” He mused, she nodded silently.

“I know, I guess it’s just leftover nerves. I’ll be fine in a minute.” She followed her words with a wide smile she hoped was convincing enough for him.

~~

He couldn’t help but stare; he wanted to make sure every single detail of how she looked was engraved in his memory, her biting her lip as she navigated through traffic, the small smile on her lips as she sang along to the radio, quiet enough to where he could just barely hear, the way she pulled her hair up in a ponytail as she cooked, a few strands breaking loose and curling around her face.

But…something was off with her. Her mouth was almost constantly curled in a worried frown, and she was…quiet. The house was usually filled with the sound of her humming, or stifled giggles as she watched TV, or chatted with the RFA. The silence kicked his mind into overdrive; was her injury hurting her, even after it was almost fully healed? Why did she seem to be so worried about him, hours after she was informed that everything went perfect?

Did…did she regret him having the surgery?

He shook the thought away. She wasn’t like that.

So, what was wrong? Was it what he blurted out in the hospital room?

It seemed like the most realistic answer; he made her uncomfortable.

“Shit” He dragged his hand across his face. She was in the kitchen, her soft singing voice floating out to the living room as he pondered a way to properly apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gGHGHgghg POV CHANGES OH LORD also im gonna post a new chapter every friday if thats okay with yall ^^


	4. Chapter 4

After dinner (An awkward, quiet one) She hid herself in the room she was given, watching the last golden rays of sunlight slowly retreat to the window. Sighing, she pulled the blankets up to her shoulders.

She had only been here a week, but…she didn’t want to leave. A selfish part of her just wanted to stay here forever, in a place that had begun to feel more like home than the house she grew up in. She had grown attached to this room, too, and the lovely view it had of the city beyond the glass. Maybe she made herself too at home; her laptop had been set up on a desk that didn’t belong to her, clothes of hers were scattered across the floor, and the bathroom down the hall was littered with her overly abundant cosmetic products.

Her eyes began to water.

_ I want to stay here _

With a small sniffle, she buried her face in the soft comforter,  _ But I have no excuse to stay, anymore _

He probably never wanted her here in the first place, maybe he just felt guilty, and offered her a place to stay, intending for  her  to leave soon.

_ You’re overthinking, _ she told herself, _ you’re crying about things you aren’t even sure about _

It was hard to stop those annoying thoughts from whipping up a storm in her head, though.

Damn anxiety, damn paranoia, damn tears, damn mental instability. Damn it all.

She tried not to cry too loud, but choking everything back made her head pound. She tried to focus on steadying her breathing as the thoughts ran rampant.

_ He just said that at the hospital to be nice _

_ No way he could like you _

_ You never shut up, how could he ever like that? _

_ Don’t get too ahead of yourself, soon he’ll know all that confidence of yours is a lie _

And the worst part of it all was the fact that she was so damn  _ aware _ of how stupid these thoughts were; they were completely, totally implausible. Angry tears meshed with those of self loathing that had already fallen.

She knew who’s fault this was. The blame rested on that person, from so long ago that she had thought she was finally over. But it was their voice saying these things in her head, that she would never be good enough for V, that she was too annoying and presumed too much; it was a voice completely different from the rest of her thoughts. It held their malicious intent, and that sick joy they always got in watching her fall.

_ Damn it, damn it all. _

_ ~~ _

He had finally dug out his old camera that he shoved in a box long ago, along with folders filled to the brim with old photographs he had intended to auction off. He flipped past nature scene after nature scene, until he pulled out one; a picture of a small, red flower poking out from a sea of grass, a bee hovering just above its petals.

_ “You… like bees?” He inquired as  _ _ she  _ _ huffed; there had been a section on the news about what might be causing their widespread deaths, “Of course I do!” She answered quickly, loudly, “They’re necessary for our survival as a species!” _

_ He tried not to laugh; she had gotten excited, and if she was excited, she would… _

_ “They’re a cornerstone species! If they’re dying, do you know what that says about the state of our environment?!” He opened his mouth to answer, but she spoke first, “It means we’re killing it, V!” _

_ He loved when she ranted like this; she had this certain energy to her, like she could take on the world by herself and win. He could imagine her talking with wild hand motions, and crossing her arms over her chest as she grumbled, “Humans are dumb” _

He couldn’t help but smile at the memory; he tucked the photo away,  _ Maybe I could give her that one. _

Then he heard it from down the hall. Though muffled and quiet, the sound pierced his ears and his chest.

Small hiccups, shaky breaths, soft sniffling. Before he knew what he was doing, V was on his feet, nearly sprinting to her closed door. The light was off inside; he hesitantly knocked on the door, “Mc, are you alright?”

There was a sharp hitch in her breathing, another sniff, “I’m fine!” she called, her voice ragged and choked with tears.

He could feel his chest tighten, and a lump form in his throat; had he done this? How could he fix it? He had only just seen her smile, how had he managed to chase it away so quickly?

“MC?” He knocked again, his forehead resting against the door, “Please tell me what’s wrong?”

More silence, punctuated by soft hiccups, “Did…did I do something?”

Within moments, the door flung open, “ _ No _ .”

Her eyes were red rimmed, and her cheeks were stained with tears; his eyes went wide and he felt his chest tighten. With a small yelp, she covered her face with her hands, “D-don’t look at me right now, I’m gross when I c-cry”

Reaching out to wrap his fingers around her arm, he stepped further into her room.

“Mc, please, please tell me what happened?” now his voice was choking up, too; he couldn’t help it. Hearing her voice so quiet and scared and hurt... It was such a terrifying jump from her usually joy filled voice; he wanted that feeling of warmth back, the feeling her voice always gave him.

“It’s n-nothing, just pretend th-this never happened, okay?” 

_ I could never _

“Mc, don’t….” He took in a shaky breath.

“Don’t think you have to handle these things alone.”

~

She felt another sob break past her lips when he pulled her to his chest. He didn’t need to worry about her, she would be over this by morning, she never wanted him to see her like this. But…he already saw it, didn’t he? Her fingers curled into his shirt as a new wave of tears spilled from her eyes.

_ Making him worry, how selfish _

_ Cry baby _

_ He’ll never want you now _

She just needed to stop thinking; focus on something else, his hand running through her hair, his arm around her shoulders, his soft voice murmuring words she couldn’t quite hear, and his heartbeat through his shirt. It was fast, she noted, pressing herself further against him as her breathing slowly returned to normal; she didn’t step away, though, a selfish part of her just wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked quietly, she nodded.

“Was it because of-”

“No!” She wrapped her arms around him tighter, “Don’t you dare blame yourself, I just….got lost in my thoughts and started over thinking.”

“Let’s go sit down,” he suggested, pulling away. Before she had time to miss the contact, his fingers delicately laced between hers as he guided her to the couch. Wiping away her tears with her free hand, she tried to will away the embarrassment washing over her in waves from the realization that he had seen her crying, and that she had openly sobbed into his chest.

The living room was illuminated only by the soft yellow light of a lamp pushed into the corner; it was silent save for the quiet hum of the AC vent. As she sat down, V sitting next to her, she brought her knees to her chest and curled inward. Her eyes focused on the coffee table; if she looked at him now, she wouldn’t be able to explain anything.

It was all for naught, though, when she realized that they were still holding hands, her face reddening.

“I..” She tried to steady her voice, “I want you to know something I…didn’t want you to know about, at least so soon” 

She felt him lean forward, squeezing her hand as her hummed a soft, “go on”

“I didn’t want you to know b-because of what happened with Rika but...” Taking a deep breath, she tried her hardest to fight the lump forming in her throat, “I have, um, social anxiety a-and depression..”

The moment of silence that followed made her chest tighten and her stomach twist painfully, “a-and I wouldn’t! I wouldn’t do the things that she did! I could never bring myself to hurt anyone-”

“MC?”

And like that, her heart stopped, her eyes beginning to sting again. 

_ I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. _

“I knew you were different from her the moment I talked to you in that messenger app.”

_...what? _

“You were kinder, and you genuinely cared for and worried for these people you had no reason to trust. And you…took a bullet for me.” He paused, “I’ve asked before, but…why did you?”

She just wanted to give him the same answer as she did before; she had a choice, and her body moved on its own, but she knew from his voice that wasn’t the answer he was looking for. For a brief moment, she wondered if he had known there was always more hiding behind that faux inspirational explanation.

“I mean…everything happened really fast, and in that moment, I decided that it would be better in the end for m-me to die, rather than you.”

_ That was depressing, jesus christ _

Before he could speak, she blurted out her thought process, words fast and fragmented: “I-it all happened within the span of a second, I didn’t have time to think of the true consequences, I just had the thought that everyone in the RFA would have an easier time getting over me!” She swallowed hard, realizing she was digging herself deeper in a hole with this shitty explanation. 

“W-well that- that sounds a lot worse than I meant it to; what i meant is that, uh, everyone in the RFA has known you a lot longer than me. You’ve been Jumin’s best friend for what, your entire lives? A-and you saved Zen’s life after his accident, and even though Yoosung seems to hate you, I know that he’s not like that now, and he truly cared for you in the past. Hell, you were almost a father to Seven. So, I just thought it would be easier for everyone to get over me dying instead of you.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. Her ears rang; her leg began to bounce as the span of quiet grew and grew. With a fleeting moment of fear and curiosity, her eyes flicked to V.

His vibrant blue eyes were wide, overflowing with a mix of disbelief and overwhelming sorrow, misted with tears with his lips slightly parted in what must have been a response he couldn’t think of how to phrase. She swallowed again, blinking rapidly as her eyes began to sting, as well.

In that moment, she would have given up her life for someone she didn’t have a reason to trust.

In that moment, she could have been shot somewhere that could have killed her instantly.

In that moment, she knew, even then, that she would never be all that special to the RFA; not like they were to each other. In that moment, she knew she was the outsider.

“God,” she mumbled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands, giving him a badly constructed smile as she tried to regain one last fleeting sense of dignity, “I’m quite a mess, aren’t I?”

Sadly, her attempt to lighten the mood seemed to have failed; V was still looking at her with those worried eyes. And it seemed that he had begun to cry as well. 

_ Look what you’ve done, asshole. _

“They wouldn’t. Get over you easily, they wouldn’t” His arms were around her again, her chin almost forcefully propped onto his shoulder as he pulled her close in a bone crushing embrace. 

“ _ I wouldn’t _ ”

And with that, the makeshift facade she had just begun to rebuild crumbled away. Her voice made a strange squeak as her breath hitched at his statement, so filled with emotion and sorrow and concern, she could barely handle it.

_ I’m not that special _

“You’re more than special, MC”

Her face grew hot; had she said that out loud? What did he mean? She couldn’t handle him getting her hopes up like that. She always got her hopes up, only to be let down and dragged painfully back down to reality. People like her, people who had emotional baggage like this, they didn’t deserve to fall for people like V. Kind, understanding people who brushed their own problems away for the sake of her own; she wasn’t worthy of that.

Somewhere in her mind, she had distanced herself from what was happening; she was openly sobbing again with her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. She could feel his soft hiccups as he concealed his own crying, and she could also feel his fingers running through her hair, slowly, cautiously. 

 

Part of her screamed to pull away. She shouldn’t allow the warm feeling building in her chest to spread further, she had no right to bask in a moment like this. To even dare to smile seemed like a crime.

But...another part of her wanted to stay. This was something she had never known; the feeling of someone comforting her,  _ holding _ her without having ulterior motives, without rushing her to stop crying, to  _ just calm down already, god _ . It felt like V was willing to wait for her to come down slowly, with soft words breathed into her shoulder and his hand running up and down her back as she slowly steadied her breathing.

Part of her felt as though she could survive off of this feeling alone.

 

Her fingers had bunched up the back of his shirt, shaking slightly as she tried to figure out what to do now. Stay? No, she shouldn’t; she didn’t deserve this. Yes, she should; this is the calmest she’d ever felt in years.

No, yes, no, yes,  _ no,  _ **_yes_ **

She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her face further into the collar of his shirt. He was humming, the lighting in the room was soft, everything felt so comfortable and so warm and so  _ safe _ . A soft sigh slipped past her lips as her body relaxed; her head was pounding and she was exhausted. If she just kept her eyes closed for a little longer....

  
She heard V whisper something, but she was already half way asleep. The words fell on deaf ears. 


	5. Chapter 5

She woke to soft morning light in her eyes,  _ annoying _ .

Had she forgot to close the curtains last night? Ugh. She heard herself involuntarily groan before burying her face deeper into her pillow until the light was blocked, sighing in relief.

It was warm, a  comfortable warmth; usually she woke either sweating or shivering, but this was nice. Still, she couldn’t make herself go back to sleep, it was like her mind had whirred to life like an old computer.

Then, things began to click together.

She wasn’t in bed, and she was upright. There were no blankets, no pillows, and no phone screaming an alarm by her head. Pushing herself up and away from whatever she was laying against, she yawned and roughly rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

 

There was blue. Bright, beautiful, sky blue eyes and cheeks that were growing redder by the moment.

 

A small squeak forced itself from her throat as she scrambled away. 

 

She had been sleeping on V, she had been  _ sitting in his lap- _

Her face grew impossibly hot when she realized she had starting  _ cuddling _ him.

 

_ Oh god _

 

“E-excuse me I-I’m-.. J-j-just going-  y’know. U-uh, make-” She nearly sprinted into the kitchen, tripping over feet before leaning herself heavily against the counter and covering her cherry red face with her hands.

 

Hot waves of embarrassment and shame washed over her; the images kept repeating in her head. She didn’t even  _ apologize _ , she just fled. The need to scream built in her chest like floodgates ready to burst.

The sudden screech from her phone made her yelp. Scrambling to answer the call, she made a mental note to change the damn ringtone to something far less jarring.

 

“H-hello?” she stammered into the phone.

 

“Hello, MC. Are you alright?” Jumin answered with a hint of concern at her wobbling voice.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” she inhaled deeply and let out a heavy sigh, “I just had a strange dream.”

 

She silently thanked whatever god was out there for the fact that it was Jumin who had called, for anyone else would have pried much further. The thought of it being Saeyoung or Yoosung...it sent a crawling shudder down her spine.

 

“May I ask why you’re calling? Has anything happened?” 

Thankfully, her heart rate and breathing have finally returned to normal,  _ Thank you Jumin. _

 

“Ah, yes. I called to discuss the situation regarding where you will stay from now on.”

 

Her mind crackled with static for a moment.

“R-right…”

She had forgotten for a short while, but it was inevitable.

 

“I haven’t paid rent at my old place...I guess it’s good I moved all my stuff to Rika’s apartment, huh?” She laughed nervously, hoping that he couldn’t hear the weariness that had already begun creeping back to her mind.

 

“Yes, that was a good decision. I’ve already asked Sev- Saeyoung,” He coughed, “to search for apartment listings, so try not to worry.”

 

“Th-thank you, I’ll do some searching of my own, too.”

 

“Alright, have a good day, MC. Goodbye”

 

“Bye…”

 

The line went dead; she sighed heavily, pushing her fingers through her hair.

 

She knew she would have to leave at some point. That whole embarrassing breakdown that had lead to...that morning’s  _ situation _ had been partially caused by the realization. All the stress caused by the evens that had transpired over the last month...it had only served to dig up past traumas and create new ones. Great.

 

Her anxiety had been unfaltering in its goal for her to never make human contact again, and pointing out her every flaw in the voice of that person she should be over by now.

 

She pulled out her phone, and started to search for cheap apartments nearby.

  
  


~

 

Thankfully, Jumin was the one who told V that she was moving out. Confrontation like that gave her a nasty tremor in her hands; she had already embarrassed herself in front of V enough as it was. 

She learned that packing her things was more emotionally taxing than it was physically, as well. Maybe because she knew that as soon as the last box was pushed into the moving truck, that she would be alone again, filled with the same emptiness she had when Unknown- no,  _ Saeran _ first contacted her.

The goodbyes and expressions of gratitude to V were short; both seemed unsure of how to act towards each other after that morning a week ago. 

 

She thanked Saeyoung and Jumin for their aid in finding an apartment, and for paying for her first two months of rent so she had time to get back on her feet.

She thanked Yoosung and Zen for their help in unpacking her minuscule amount of possessions.

She thanked Jaehee for her housewarming gifts of a cookbook and a coffee maker.

 

She  _ wanted _ to thank all of them for not commenting on the vacant, monotone sound her voice had adopted. They chalked it up to stress, she presumed.

 

Then, standing in a one room apartment, the silence pressed into her from all sides. The walls were bare, the furniture was bland, the color scheme was washed out and grey. It was almost the exact opposite of V’s apartment. And, her face curled into a sour frown, it smelled like old alcohol.

 

It almost felt like the RFA hadn’t happened, that she was still a girl battling her own mind while trying her hardest to survive as an adult. The loneliness settled deep inside her bones; it was a familiar feeling.

 

With a shuddering exhale, she sat on the worn couch, pulled her computer onto her lap, and began searching for job listings.   
  


 

 

Sometimes it felt like the whole world was pressing on her back; the weight of loneliness, numbness...it put a physical ache in her entire body. It had only been two weeks since she moved, but everything had crept back and spread like rust.

  
It was almost nostalgic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS UPDATE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND PROBABLY MY WORST WRITING YET IM SORRY ITS LATE AS WELL THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING 
> 
> ANYWAYS SORRY FOR THIS GARBAGE IVE SHOVED UPON YOU I'LL BE MORE PUT TOGETHER NEXT FRIDAY


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